Life by a tune
by BlackRaven
Summary: CSI miami He was inlove with her for the longest time, but somehow it seemd like he relized it too late. Now all he could do was be friend in her time of need but could he? WELL THIS IS IT! THE GRAND FINALE! READ IT AND SEND ME YOUR THOUGHTS!
1. Background

This story is a bit different then what I usually write. It's kind of a song fic - but not really.  
  
It's a story with a real plot and everything, it will have several chapters - and every chapter will have a song accompanying it, either inside the story or before the story or what ever - but every chapter will have a song with it.  
  
It's just something I thought would be cool to try.  
  
Tell me what you think  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------  
*  
  
Everything is quiet since you're not around  
  
And I live in the numbness now  
  
In the background  
  
*  
  
He watched her through the window, in her lab, examining something under the microscope, oblivious to the world - and him especially.  
  
"Hey, what are you doing here I thought you had the day off?" He heard a voice behind him and turned to face Horatio.  
  
"It is, I just came to pick up some things"  
  
Horatio gave him a questioning look that made him thankful for the fact he was not the blushing type, instead he just shrugged until Horatio nodded slowly at him and went away.  
  
He turned towards the glass again to give her one last look. He didn't really need anything from the lab on his day off, not really. He just needed to see her.  
  
god I'm pathetic he thought to himself I don't even have a good reason to go in there and interrupt her  
  
Erik sighed and started to walk away, leaving Calleigh to her work.  
  
*  
  
I do the things we did before  
  
I walk Haight Street to the store  
  
And they say where's that crazy girl  
  
You don't get drunk on red wine and fight no more  
  
*  
  
Don't look up, don't look up, just keep looking busy Calleigh mumbled to herself under breath over and over again, like that sentence was the mantra that was going to save her life.  
  
She knew he was standing there, outside her lab window, watching her. It has become like a sixth sense - knowing when he was near by, feeling him, knowing what he was doing at every given moment.  
  
It was a fairly new thing - or maybe not. There had always been something, something she couldn't quite put into words, little looks, small gestures, friendly touches that spoke volumes. But this staring thing, and her newly developed sixth sense - those were fairly new.  
  
She didn't know when exactly it started; it was just there one day.  
  
And it was turning everything into a total mess. Suddenly everything was awkward. Awkward and silent and uncomfortable. She knew it wouldn't take long before it was going to start affecting their work, affecting the team - and it wouldn't be long before the others will start noticing that something was off.  
  
But the real problem was - she didn't know what to do.  
  
*  
  
I don't see you anymore since the hospital  
  
The plans I make still have you in them  
  
Cause you come swimming into view  
  
*  
  
He went diving - cause really what else was he supposed to do?  
  
He couldn't just stay there all day and look at her. Turning into a stalker was not exactly what he had in mind.  
  
Then what do I have in mind? He asked himself.  
  
He had no idea. Calleigh was his friend, his team-mate, family - was he really interested in something more? Was she? He knew that he cared for her, he always has - but was there something beyond that?  
  
She was so beautiful - those blue eyes and blond hair, perfect body and a though exterior that only a few people knew how to penetrate. Her passion for her work, her wit and sarcasm, the way she could make everything look better with her smile and a well placed quip.  
  
She was amazing - and he knew it.  
  
But he's always known it -so how come all of the sudden it was hitting him like some kind of new revelation. Like he just discovered the atom or something.  
  
*  
  
And I'm hanging on your words  
  
Like I always used to do  
  
The words they use so lightly  
  
*  
  
The Next Day  
  
They were working together again, a burned down car with two victims was found abandoned in some side street. No one saw it burn, no one heard a thing - welcome to America Calleigh thought to herself as she examined the scene.  
  
It was just like always - working side by side, collecting samples, drawing each other's attention to evidence they found.  
  
But there was something missing, because other than the amount of words that were required to complete their work - they were not talking at all.  
  
Well, at least we can be professionals and do our work no matter what personal issues we have she told herself that's a bit of a comfort  
  
"Hey Calleigh" she heard a voice behind her and was almost relieved to hear something brake that awful silence - even if it was Detective Hagen's voice.  
  
"Hey John!" she said with out lifting her head "I didn't know this was your case"  
  
"Bet you're all giddy at the thought of working with me again" He smiled slightly and she had to suppress a chuckle as she finally rose to her feet to meet him.  
  
"You're gonna hassle me again and call me 7 times a day for your test results?" She smiled  
  
"You bet, I plan of making a habit of it" He smirked teasingly  
  
"Then, yeah, I have Goosebumps all over" She teased back.  
  
Hagen laughed and started walking away, letting her get back to her work on the car.  
  
"Oh and Duquesne" He called out with a small smile "I'm gonna need to see what you haveon this car as soon as possible"  
  
"Just go away John!" she laughed  
  
*  
  
Form his place crouching on the other side of the car Erik saw the whole exchange. The way Hagen made her smile and laugh, the way they were smiling and teasing each other.  
  
He hated it, he hated all of it. But there was nothing he could do but sit there. and watch.  
  
*  
  
I only feel for you  
  
I only know because I carry you around  
  
In the background  
  
I'm in the background  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
Well, so much for the first part - I promise I'll get better at this! Just hand in there.  
  
Oh, And the song is not mine of course (Although I wish it was - I just love it)  
  
It's Background - by third eye blind and here are the full lyrics:  
  
Everything is quiet since you're not around / And I live in the numbness now / In the background / I do the things we did before / I walk Haight Street to the store / And they say where's that crazy girl / You don't get drunk on red wine and fight no more / I don't see you anymore since the hospital / The plans I make still have you in them / Cause you come swimming into view / And I'm hanging on your words / Like I always used to do / The words they use so lightly / I only feel for you / I only know because I carry you around / In the background / I'm in the background / Words they / come and memories all repeat / I lift your head while they change the hospital sheets / And I would never lie to you no / I would never lie to you no / I felt you long after we were through, we were through / The plans I make still have you in them / Cause you come swimming into view / And I'm hanging on your words / Like I always used to do / The words they use so lightly / I only feel for you / I only know because I carry you around / In the background / Cause I felt you long after we were through / Well you come swimming into view / And I'm hanging on your words / Like I always used to do / The words they use so lightly / I only feel to you / I only know because / I'm way I'm way in the background / I'm in the background 


	2. Mystery

Ok - well it took a long time but finally the next part is here - I just had a really tough time choosing a song for this part - I just couldn't decide!  
  
So here you go!  
  
Hope you like it!  
  
Mystery  
  
*  
  
each time you'd pull down the driveway  
  
I wasn't sure when i would see you again  
  
yours was a twisted blind-sided highway  
  
no matter which road you took then  
  
*  
  
Erik entered the building that day at a brisk pace, some new found confidence guiding him. The night before he lay awake almost half the night and right before dawn he came to a new decision - he was going to make his move! It took him two more hours after that to figure out what his move was going to be.  
  
It wasn't like he could just go up and ask her out on a date - it was more complicated then that. After all they have been co-workers and friends for so long that just going right up and saying it would seem inappropriate. Instead he decided to go with a more subtle approach - let her know how he feels and wait to see if she would respond.  
  
He made his way up to the lab hoping to catch a few moments with Calleigh before everyone else arrives but when he got to the lab he stopped dead in his tracks.  
  
There she was - Calleigh, beautifull as ever, already working at her lab table.  
  
And there was John Hagen, standing right beside her.  
  
Making her laugh again.  
  
*  
  
you set up your place in my thoughts  
  
moved in and made my thinking crowded  
  
now we're out in the back with the barking dogs  
  
my heart the red sun your heart the moon clouded  
  
*  
  
"John you know this isn't going to go any faster if you keep looking over my shoulder." Calleigh said with a smile  
  
"How do you know? We haven't tried it before - maybe it would work!" He teased, taking a seat at the other end of the lab table.  
  
"Don't you have somewhere to go? Something to do?"  
  
"Not a thing!" He laughed, stretching himself on the chair for emphasis  
  
She laughed slightly and reached for a the solution she needed to desolve the charcoile for a piece of paper they found at the burnt car - as she did she noticed from the corner of her eye that Erik was standing outside, looking intently at her and Hagen.  
  
For a second she wished he would stop acting weird and return to just being her good friend Erik - but she had to admit the another part of her was beginning to like the attention.  
  
She turned around to see the Hagen had moved from his seat and was pearing down at her lab tests again.  
  
"John why don't you go get some coffee or something" she sighed as she pushed him out of the way "Just get out of here ok? Before you brake something."  
  
"Have dinner with me."  
  
Calleigh blinked with surprise. That was not the reaction she was expecting!!!  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I asked if you would have dinner with me" He smiled at her - enjoying the look of surprise on her face. Not many men could throw Calleigh off her game - and he kind of nejoyed being able to do that.  
  
Calleigh looked at him and weighed her options, from the corner of her eye she could still see Erik out there - trying to pretend he was busy. Suddenly a devilish thought came to her mind  
  
# It wouldn't hurt to make Erik just a little bit jelouse # She tought # And it's not like I even know what he has in mind.John was as cute as hell and interested - so why the hell not?#  
  
*  
  
I could go crazy on a night like tonight  
  
when summer's beginning to give up her fight  
  
and every thought's a possibility  
  
and voices are heard but nothing is seen  
  
why do you spend this time with me  
  
maybe an equal mystery  
  
*  
  
The night was indeed magical - that was the only way Calleigh could describe it. They had dinner at a small restaurant just off the shore where they could actually hear the waves crashing as they ate. He placed his jacket on her shoulders as they left the restaurant and started walking down the beach.  
  
He watched with amusment as she took off her shoes and walked barefoot in the sand, amazed at how different she looked out of the office, away from her work, relaxed.  
  
"What are you looking at?" she laughed  
  
"Nothing" He shrugged "It's just that you look really beautifull tonight"  
  
"thank you" She smiled at him, suddenly wondering if she was blushing. She had to admit that he looked even better like this - outside work, in the dim moonlight.  
  
Her thought was interrupted as he leaned in a kissed her softly  
  
*  
  
so what is love then is it dictated or chosen  
  
does it sing like the hymns of 1000 years or is it just pop emotion  
  
and if it ever was here and it left  
  
does it mean it was never true and to exist it must elude  
  
is that why i think these things of you  
  
*  
  
Erik spent the night at home, in front of the TV, mentally kicking himself.  
  
He was replaying the day in his mind.  
  
After John Hagen left he joined Calleigh in the lab and they worked side by side in silence. By lunch time the entire building knew about Calleigh's big date - it was a small building and news traveled fast. He had to avoid flinching everytime he came into a room to hear someone talking to Calleigh about where they were going to have dinner or what was she planning to wear.  
  
What bothered him the most though was that she actually seemed happier - she was making jokes and humming to herself constantly - it made him feel even more guilty for wishing she wasn't going on that date. He was her friend after all - and he was supposed to be happy for her.  
  
So why dd he feel like stealing Hagen's car keys to make sure he wouldn't make the date that night?  
  
*  
  
oh but you like the taste of danger  
  
it shines like sugar on your lips  
  
and you like to stand in the line of fire  
  
just to show you can shoot straight from your hip  
  
there must be a 1000 things you would die for  
  
i can hardly think of two  
  
but not everything is better spoken aloud  
  
not when i'm talking to you  
  
*  
  
The soft kiss on the beach quickly turned more passionate and more hungry. For the longest time they just stood there - exploring eachother's mouth.  
  
Calleigh could feel the heat radiating from John's body as he pressed her to him. She wanted to stop herself from doing something she would later regret - but somehow she couldn't bring herself to brake away from him. It felt so good.  
  
He was exactly the man she was looking for - smart, strong, a total gentelman - and he was her type phisically as well - tall, handsome, well built. The attraction she felt for him was undeniable.  
  
He suddenly broke away from her - as if feeling her hesitations "Call, trust me there is nothing I would like more then to continue this." he smiled down at her and brushed a stray of blond hair from her face"But I think I should take you home right now."  
  
"Afraid I wouldn't respect you in the morning:?" She teased, still standing close to his body - refusing to completely let go of the feeling  
  
"Afraid you wouldn't want to do this again" he said seriously, looking straight into her eyes with a look the simply melted her heart.  
  
She reached for him again, planting a soft kiss on his lips "I had a great time tonight John" She whispered "And I would love to do this again."  
  
*  
  
and maybe that's all that we need  
  
is to meet in the middle of impossibility  
  
standing at opposite poles  
  
equal partners in a mystery  
  
we're standing at opposite poles  
  
equal partners in a mystery 


	3. If You're Gone

The song this time is If you're gone - by matchbox twenty, which is personally one of my favorite songs of all times - if you don't know it do yourself a favor and download it - it's absolutely beautiful!!!  
  
PART 3  
  
*  
  
I think I've already lost you  
  
I think you're already gone  
  
I think I'm finally scared now  
  
You think I'm weak  
  
I think you're wrong  
  
*  
  
It's been two weeks - two very long weeks. Everywhere he looked it seemed like they were there, working a case together, going out to dinner. the worst was two days ago when he came into the parking lot and saw Calleigh coming out of Hagen's car in the morning, realizing that she must have spent the night at his place.  
  
It was pure torture!  
  
He was closing himself in the lab lately, trying to avoid running into her in the halls - her or all of the other people who were constantly discussing the new office romance.  
  
He was so deep in his misery that he didn't notice Speed walking into the lab until the other man's hand was on his shoulder.  
  
"How long are you gonna keep doing this to yourself?" Speed asked as he sat down next to him.  
  
"Do what? I don't know what you're talking about!" Erik said quickly, maybe too quickly.  
  
Speed looked at him closely, a small smile forming on his lips "Man, I'm your best friend, I'm Calleigh's friend too - now what kind of friend would I be if I didn't notice what was going on with you two?"  
  
Erik sighed, knowing that there was no way he could hide this from Tim anymore - it was stupid to try from the beginning. Speed always knew what was going on with his friends - he didn't always say anything, he was a private guy and as such he believed in giving others their privacy to deal with their own problems - but he always knew. It was part of what made him such a good friend.  
  
"Listen Delko if you really are interested in Calleigh then you should make your move - I think you'd be surprised at the results"  
  
"I'm afraid that ship has already sailed Speed" Erik said miserably "She's with Hagen now and."  
  
"Look, I'm not gonna mess with you here" Speed said earnestly "She's with Hagen now and it seems to be going ok between them - but you haven't told her how you feel yet, and that means the game isn't over yet."  
  
He got up from his seat and started to leave the lab stopping by the door give out his last piece of advice "You can't loose the game if you weren't even in it in the first place Delko. Talk to her - you've got nothing to loose at this point"  
  
*  
  
I think you're already leaving  
  
Feels like your hand is on the door  
  
I thought this place was an empire  
  
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure  
  
*  
  
Calleigh was working in her lab, testing some casing s from a recent drive by shooting case. She hummed to herself as she examined the bullet under the microscope. Today was going to be a good day - the case load was fairly reasonable, she didn't have too much paperwork, and at the end of the day - she was going out to dinner with John.  
  
It was going pretty well between them - it wasn't fireworks and violins - the whole knight in shiny armor thing or the fairy tale romance, but it was nice, and comfortable. They fit somehow - they didn't rock each other's world or anything (at least not the way she saw it) but they talked a lot and laughed a lot (and she had to admit the sex wasn't half bad either) and had a pretty good time.  
  
"Hey Call', you've got a phone call on line 3" the receptionist pocked her head in the doorway interrupting Calleigh's trail of thoughts  
  
"Calleigh Duquesne speaking"  
  
"Hello Miss Duquesne I'm speaking from the "3 Ponie" downtown, we have a man here and he has your card in his pocket."  
  
Calleigh sighed and closed her eyes in frustration - there goes her nice day!  
  
"Yeah, that's my dad" She was surprised that she didn't even feel ashamed when she said that anymore. At first when the calls from the various bars and pubs started coming she would try to make excuses - he had a bad day, a bad week, he's not usually like this - she would start apologizing over the phone, ashamed at his behavior - now she just felt numb "I'll be overto pick him up in a little bit ok? Just make sure he doesn't go anywhere please?"  
  
She finished the call and placed the phone down slowly, trying to prepare herself for the afternoon that was now ahead of her. She grabbed her bag and headed out the lab stopping the receptionist on the way "Could you please call John Hagen at homicide for me? Tell him I won't be able to make it tonight" She asked her and headed for the door.  
  
She suddenly remembered her case and turned back and went to the lab area again she opened the door to Erik's lab and sighed in relief when she saw him sitting at his desk.  
  
"Hey Erik! Look I need a little favor - I need you to take over my case for a while" she asked, trying to sound as normal as possible. It didn't work.  
  
"Call' are you ok?" he frowned at her  
  
"Yeah, I just.I just have a personal thing to take care of.It will probably take all day.so could you please?" She stammered  
  
He nodded, still looking at her quizzically, hoping she would tell him what had gotten her so upset, but she simply gave him a faint smile and walked out of the lab.  
  
*  
  
I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
  
I think I could need - this in my life  
  
I think I'm just scared - I think too much  
  
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing  
  
*  
  
She sat by the door and listened to the sounds coming from inside the bathroom. This is what her life had been reduced to - listening to her father puck his guts out after he got drunk - yet again.  
  
It took her an hour to get him into the car, she had to have the bartender help her because this time her father was so wasted he could barely walk. It took another hour to get him up to her apartment - she would have taken him to his apartment but she didn't really trust him to be alone right now. A couple of month ago she did that - taken him to his apartment and went home to sleep - and two hour late she got a call from the bar again. Turns out he went into his apartment, changed and went back out to the closest bar.  
  
She left the hallway and went into the living room, pressing the button on her answering machine on her way to the kitchen. "Call', it's John, you canceled on dinner and I haven't heard from you.actually you didn't cancel, someone named Cecil did. anyway just call me"  
  
"Calleigh, it's John again, it's getting late and I haven't heard from you, so call me"  
  
The next two messages were about the same. She sighed and took out a bottle of water opening her radio.  
  
"Well now baby, I feel a lot better now" Her father came out from the bathroom "you know this apartment is just lovely Sweat Pea, I should really come here more often" he smiled broadly. An old song came on the radio and her father suddenly grabbed her - starting to spin her in the living room "Dance with your Daddy sweetheart"  
  
She held his arms and danced with him, letting him swirl her and dip her as he laughed, stumbling a little and stepping on her tow in his drunkenness. She placed her head on his shoulder as he had her close and almost didn't notice that there were tears streaming down her face.  
  
*  
  
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home  
  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
  
But I can hardly move  
  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home  
  
Cuz there's a little bit of something me  
  
In everything in you  
  
*  
  
THIS TIME WILL BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT AND THIS SONG WILL CONTINUE ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER. 


	4. If You're Gone 2

This part is supposed to come together with the last part - they are both accompanied by the same song and should be read together - the song is "If you're gone" by Matchbox Twenty.  
  
If you're gone - 2  
  
*  
  
I bet you're hard to get over  
  
I bet the room just won't shine  
  
I bet my hands I can stay here  
  
I bet you need - more than you mind  
  
*  
  
Erik signed at the bottom of the report and placed it on his out tray. That was it - Calleigh's work was all done, he covered for her just like he promised.  
  
But why did she need him to?  
  
The look on her face when she came to tell him she was leaving for the day played over and over in his mind. He could tell there was something wrong - but he couldn't tell what.for a minute he wondered if it was something to do with Hagen - but then he realized he wasn't that lucky!  
  
He collected his things and headed out the door, leaving the building and walking slowly to his car. He got in and started driving, not really knowing where he was going - and not really caring. He didn't want to get home just yet - the empty apartment, the messages from his sisters and parents - he just didn't have the strength for it all right now.  
  
He drove for about half an hour and then stopped, sitting in the car for a few minutes in silence - he suddenly noticed the neighborhood looked familiar and then realized that he was standing outside her apartment.  
  
He could see the light was still on.  
  
*  
  
I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
  
I think I could need - this in my life  
  
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much  
  
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling  
  
*  
  
After her father finally passed out in her bedroom she took the cordless phone and stepped out to the porch, dialing John's number.  
  
"Calleigh!" He breathed hard as soon as he heard her voice "What happened? I was worried sick about you!"  
  
"Nothing John!" She lied "I just wasn't feeling too well and I went home to get some sleep"  
  
"You sound funny Call', like you've been crying or something." he said quietly  
  
"I'm fine John, really! I told you I think I'm coming down with something"  
  
"You want me to come over and take care of you?"  
  
"NO!" her answer came to quickly and too adamantly, she could almost see him recoil on the other end of the line "Really, there's no need" she took on a softer tone "I'm just going to go and sleep. I'll see you tomorrow John"  
  
She hung up the phone quickly, before he had time to respond. She didn't even know why she was lying but for some reason she just couldn't bring herself to tell him about her father's alcoholism. She knew he would understand, but she also knew he would feel a need to take care of it for her - or at least to try. He would want her to deal with it, he would give her advises on how to do it - to force her father to go to rehab, to stop going out and picking him up when he was drunk - all those things that she knew deep down she had to do, all those things she couldn't help but doing.  
  
She knew that her behavior, her silence, was only making it worst. It was telling her father that there will always be someone to catch him, someone to clean up his mess. Every shrink she ever went to told her that she had to let him hit rock bottom - to allow him to freefall.  
  
But she couldn't.  
  
*  
  
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home  
  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
  
But I can hardly move  
  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home  
  
Cuz there's a little bit of something me  
  
In everything in you  
  
*  
  
She placed her head between her hands and sighed deeply - God! she needed someone to talk to right now, someone who wouldn't say anything, who wouldn't have any advise to give, someone who would just sit there and listen.  
  
Again she thought about calling John and coming clean, but her stomach started flip-flopping just at the thought of it so she pushed the idea out of her mind. The doorbell rang and she stretched as she walked over to the door - wondering who it could be at this hour.  
  
She suddenly thought that it must be John, that he came after all, to yell at her for being so rude or something - she made the last few steps to the door a lot slower and opened it slightly.  
  
In the doorway, Erik stood, looking at his feet and at the door and at her welcome mat - pretty much anywhere but at her.  
  
*  
  
I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
  
I think I could need - this in my life  
  
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much  
  
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing  
  
*  
  
"Erik, what are you doing here?" the surprise in her voice was evident, but under it Erik could feel something else - was it relief? Or was he just starting to hear what he wanted to hear?  
  
"I drove by and saw your light on, I thought I'd come up to check on you" he said sheepishly and she had he urge to just hug him right then and there.  
  
"You drove by?" She couldn't help but smile "Erik, your house is clear across town!"  
  
"I took a detour!?" He said his tone a mixture of humor and hope - hope that she wouldn't press the subject any further. When she chuckled he continued "Seriously Call', you left kind of in a hurry today. Is everything ok?"  
  
*  
  
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home  
  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
  
But I can hardly move  
  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home  
  
Cuz there's a little bit of something me  
  
In everything in you  
  
* 


	5. Shattered

Hey everyone - another chapter of this weird fanfiction that I personally have no idea how it came to me or why - but here I am writing it anyway...  
  
The story for this time is - Shattered - by Remy Zero  
  
And by the way if any of you readers have any idea for a song that you think might fit with this story - send me a review with the name of the song and who sings it - I promise I'll listen to it and maybe even use it! You'll be responsible for a chapter of your own - kind of become an inspiration!!!  
  
Like always - Review are appreciated !  
  
*  
  
Grace in light   
  
Somehow I found you here   
  
Torn from the hope and fear   
  
That holds us inside   
  
*  
  
They sat on her porch with two bottles of bear, the night skies were filled with stars above them and they turned off the porch light, opting to sit in the dark with only the dim moonlight shining from above.  
  
It was hard for her to tell him, just as it shocked him to hear it.   
  
"My father wasn't easy to grow up with" she said quietly "he drank a lot and when he did he could become very mean. He didn't really hurt us - mostly because we learned at a young age to make ourselves invisible when ever he got this way. My mother took most of the blows if you know what I mean. After a while she started drinking too. She died three years ago, the ironic thing is that about a year before she died things actually got better for a while - he stopped drinking, so did she, they moved to Miami... things seemed to be getting better"  
  
"And after she died?" Erik asked quietly  
  
"He went back to the drinking. Last year he got into a fist fight with my older brother, since then he hasn't really been turning mean when he drinks, now he just tries his best to pick verbal fights with me" she gathered her knees to her chest, curling into a fetus position on instinct "I keep getting calls from bars all over Miami asking me to pick him up after he gets wasted"  
  
"So that's where you went to tonight" it was more a statement then a question and he watched her nod. His next question came as a total surprise "Is he ok?"  
  
She looked at him for a second, trying to explain to herself why that particular question touched her so much. It was the fact that even after all the bad things she just told him about her father, he was still concerned about his well being. He wasn't automatically categorizing him as a bad man who wasn't worth his attention. He knew she was concerned about her father and with out passing judgment he was simply sharing her concern.  
  
"He's sleeping it off" she finally shrugged "He's going to be ok"  
  
"And you? How are you doing?"  
  
*  
  
Pull me out   
  
Out from the world I've known   
  
And all that was broken, cold   
  
Brought me in here   
  
*  
  
They sat quietly for a while, he couldn't help but sneak small peeks at her direction when he was sure she wasn't looking.  
  
How could he not know about this? She was one of his closest friends, they spent almost everyday together. How could he miss something like that?  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't know" he found himself saying quietly  
  
"I didn't tell anyone" she shrugged "besides, what would you have done?"  
  
"I would have known" he said simply, no other reason coming to his mind. She looked at him for a second, realizing he really did mean it - he just wanted to know.  
  
Another twenty minutes passed quietly, just comfortable silence. Finally she uncurled herself from her seat and got up "You should go home, it's late and I don't want you to fall asleep on the job tomorrow on account of me"  
  
"I could stay if you want me to" he offered, getting up himself and carrying the bottles back to the kitchen as she followed him in.  
  
She contemplated his offer for a minute but then shook her head "No, I'll be fine,really...I just need to get some sleep"  
  
He nodded and made his way to the door "If you need anything, just give me a call ok? Anything!"  
  
She kissed him goodbye on the cheek and closed the door behind him. Suddenly the apartment seemed awfully empty and quiet. She hugged herself and made her way to the couch, pulling a blanket on herself and lying down.  
  
The sleep wasn't going to come tonight - she knew it wouldn't - but she still had to try.  
  
*  
  
From you, one look   
  
Just one look   
  
And everything is shattered   
  
From you one word   
  
Towers burn   
  
And fall, fall apart   
  
*  
  
He saw glimpses of her all day, passing through the halls, going into the lab, leaving for a crime scene...   
  
He didn't go over to her, trying to give her some space. He figured that the revelations from last night were somewhat awkward for her and he didn't want to overwhelm her or embarrass her.   
  
She was him too, small glimpses from a far through out the day. She couldn't bring herself to talk to him - by day light, the realization that he knew the details of her family life made her feel somewhat uncomfortable.  
  
"Hey Calleigh" Hagen suddenly appeared behind her "Where were you last night? I called and called..."  
  
"I'm sorry John, I had some things to take care of" it wasn't a lie she kept telling herself, it just wasn't the entire truth.  
  
"And you couldn't call?" he squinted at her  
  
She shrugged giving him an apologetic smile and he sighed and smiled, giving up. "Ok, how about you make it up to me at lunch?"   
  
She smiled and nodded. Grabbing her bag she allowed Hagen to open the door for her and lead her out, his hand on the small of her back. As they walked down the hall she couldn't help but see Erik looking at them, watching them walk outside together.  
  
She looked back at him for just a second, something passed through his eyes but she couldn't quite figure out what it was, for a moment she thought it looked a lot like pain  
  
  
  
*  
  
Fires curl, shadows swirl   
  
A hollow sound   
  
That no one else can hear   
  
But me in silent streams   
  
Forever more   
  
We dream  
  
*  
  
  
  
??  
  
(footnote continued) 


	6. Hedonism

Part 6  
  
The song this time is again one of my all time personal favorites - Hedonism by Skunk Anansie which pretty much became my mantra after a really hard breakup from my ex-boyfriend...  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Kelly - I don't know if it's appropriate to do this but I don't really care - so this is dedicate to Kelly for everything that you wrote, you know what I mean - thanks for keeping me going! I hope you like this chapter...  
  
*  
  
I hope you're feeling happy now  
  
I see you feel no pain at all it seems  
  
I wonder what you're doing now  
  
I wonder if you think of me at all  
  
*  
  
He watched her all through lunch and then again all through dinner - it accrued to him that he's just now realizing what people talked about when they said about someone being there, without really being there at all.  
  
They were in his apartment, having dinner next to the open screen door that led to the balcony overlooking the ocean. Calleigh were sitting in front of him, sipping her wine slowly, looking out at the dark view.   
  
She looked stunning, he had to admit that. Her long blond her loose on her shoulders, a simple white button shirt and a faded pair of jeans. He loved seeing her like this - relaxed, easy... but the problem was that she wasn't really there!  
  
He tried asking her if everything is ok but she simply smiled and said that everything was fine - somehow the smile never reached her eyes. Now John Hagen was a pretty good detective - but for the life of him he couldn't figure out what was bothering her.  
  
"Call'?" he asked her waking her from her daze.  
  
She smiled at him softly and placed down her glass "I'm fine John, It's just a case at work, it's nothing"  
  
"You want to see that movie?"  
  
"I don't feel like going out right now, you mind if we stay inside tonight?"  
  
*  
  
Do you still play the same moves now  
  
Or are those special modes for someone else  
  
I hope you're feeling happy now  
  
*  
  
They ended up staying inside. He told her about something funny that happened at work today, she made up something about her day - because frankly, she couldn't remember a single thing that happened.  
  
They were sitting close, their bodies leaning against each other, she could feel the heat coming from his body and somehow it made her feel better. Just because it was warm, just because it was human contact.  
  
Soon, they started kissing, gently first and then more passionately. She leaned back lying on the couch, pulling him down with her, kissing him hard and biting his lip in hunger.  
  
She needed this, she realized while he was kissing her neck, passion was an emotion she could feel right now, it was the only emotion she could understand right now when all the rest of her emotions were so confusing. This was something that didn't require her to think and at the same time - something she could control.  
  
He slowly unbuttoned her shirt, looking into her eyes in case she was changing her mind, in case she wanted him to stop. Instead she started unbuttoning his shirt, pulling it out of his pants.  
  
"Hold on" he suddenly said in a hoarse voice, and for a moment, a cold fear came over her, thinking he would stop this, thinking he would deny her this need.  
  
But he just got up and took her hand, pulling her up with him, with out a word he led her to the bedroom, pulling off his shirt and hers and dropping them on the floor.  
  
When they were in bed, kissing, breathing hard, touching bare skin to bare skin - she could finally feel numb.  
  
*  
  
Just because you feel good  
  
Doesn't make you right, oh no  
  
Just because you feel good  
  
Still want you here tonight  
  
*  
  
After John fell asleep she got out of bed and wrapped herself up with a blanket. She walked back to the living room and sat done, picking up her wine glass from before.  
  
Now that John was asleep and the apartment was quiet - the thoughts and the confusion came back.   
  
*  
  
Does laughter still discover you  
  
I see through all those smiles  
  
That look so right  
  
Do you still have the same friends now  
  
To smoke away your problems and your life  
  
*  
  
The next morning John woke up to an empty bed. In the kitchen he found a note from Calleigh saying "thank you for a great night. I had to go to work early - I'll see you later. Kisses. Calleigh"  
  
He went to the office and tried to pass the hours, trying to pretend he was working, but his thoughts kept going back to Calleigh. He had to figure out what was wrong with her.  
  
He enjoyed last night, there was no question about that and he wasn't going to lie about it. But he couldn't help but notice that there was a sense of desperation to her love making. A need or a hunger that he didn't think had anything to do with her attraction to him.  
  
By the late afternoon he couldn't help it anymore and he went over to the Crime lab to try and talk to her. As he walked down the halls he suddenly saw Erik working in his lab and an idea came to him mind...  
  
"Hey Erik? You got a minute?" he asked as he walked into the lab.  
  
Erik nodded and the two of them walked over to the brake room for a cup of coffee  
  
"Look, Erik, I know that you and Calleigh are close" He couldn't help but notice that the other man flinched a little when he said that "Do you know what's bothering her?"  
  
"What do you mean?" Erik tried playing dumb  
  
"She's been out of it lately, like she isn't really there, you know?" Hagen mumbled, starting to feel uncomfortable "I was just wondering if maybe she told you something?"  
  
"I don't really know John" Erik shrugged, and John could sense that he was lying "But I know Calleigh and if there is something bothering her, you should just ask her. She'll tell you when she's good and ready, not a minute before that. You just have to keep trying"  
  
"Yeah, I'll go do that"  
  
"She's not here right now" Erik said quickly, and by now John was sure that he was hiding something "She had to go out on a case"  
  
John nodded and thanked him, leaving the lab quietly.  
  
Erik watched him leave and sighed # this is what my life has been reduced to - giving another man advice on how to date the girl I'm in love with"  
  
*  
  
Ho how do you remember me  
  
The one that made you laugh until you cried  
  
I hope you're feeling happy now  
  
*  
  
She got a call again, from a different bar this time. The calls were starting to get more frequent in the past few months.   
  
On the drive over her thoughts drifted to Erik.   
  
When she went over to tell him she's leaving again he understood immediately and offered to come with her. For a second she wanted him to come with her so much - but she didn't want to drag him into this. She felt uncomfortable enough with the fact that he knew - she couldn't imagine how embarrassed she would feel if he would actually see her father in this state.  
  
It was better if she did it alone - just like always  
  
*   
  
Just because you feel good  
  
Doesn't make you right, ho no  
  
Just because you feel good  
  
Still want you here tonight  
  
*  
  
After her father passed out again she sat at her apartment - trying to ignore that phone that kept ringing and the calls from John that kept coming.  
  
She wanted to go there - be with him again, feel his arms around her and be able to feel nothing again. Another part of her knew that she couldn't.  
  
When the doorbell rang at midnight she let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She didn't have to look to know who was standing behind the door.  
  
*  
  
I wonder what you're doing now  
  
I hope you're feeling happy now 


	7. The Space Between

PART 7  
  
Hey, well I know a lot of you have been hating this story so far because of Hagen but unfortunately you're going to have to put up with him just a little bit longer because I absolutely love the guy and to all of you out there hoping I'm going to turn him into an SOB - Sorry!!!  
  
The song this time is "the space between" By Dave Mathews Band - again one of my personal favorites - sorry that it is so long this time but I just didn't want to give up on any of the wonderful lyrics in this one...  
  
*  
  
You cannot quit me so quickly  
  
Is no hope in you for me  
  
No corner you could squeeze me  
  
But I got all the time for you, love  
  
*  
  
He fell asleep in the car on the way to her house - which was kind of a blessing since that way she at least didn't have to deal with him.  
  
She had no idea what she would have done if he had stayed awake, if he had actually tried having the same usual conversation with her - the one where he would sarcastically refer to her "important" job, where he would comment on her lack of free time, on how he never saw her anymore... the same conversation where he tried to sound supportive and at the same time dismiss everything and anything she had ever done. It was amazing how those small words made her feel like a 12 year old every time.  
  
She pulled up into her drive way and shut down the engine, sighing as started thinking how to get him up to her apartment and into her bed - preferably without waking him.  
  
A know on her window startled her half to death.  
  
When she saw who was standing there - she got even paler.  
  
*  
  
The Space Between  
  
The tears we cry  
  
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more  
  
The Space Between  
  
The wicked lies we tell  
  
And hope to keep us safe from the pain  
  
But will I hold you again?  
  
*  
  
"John..." she started as she rolled down the window  
  
"You told me you were staying home tonight..." he started, trying to avoid sounding accusing "I came by to surprise you..."  
  
She hesitated for a second and then stepped out of the car, steering John away from the vehicle.  
  
"Look John..."  
  
"What going on here Call'? Come on you've got to give me something here..." he said firmly "Whose that man in your car?"  
  
"It's my dad. He's not well, I had to take care of him"  
  
"And you had to lie to me about that?" he frowned at her  
  
"I didn't mean to lie John, It's just, it's complicated ok?"  
  
"complicated..." he contemplated her words for a few seconds "Look Calleigh, I don't know what's going on here but I wanna know ok? I want to help you but you just have to tell me what's going on"  
  
She lowered her head, looking at her feet because she couldn't bare to look him in the eyes.  
  
When he realized she wasn't about to answer him he sighed. Placing his finger under her chin he forced her to look at him "I'm a patient man Calleigh so I'll wait, and I'll be here when you feel like finally talking to me ok?"  
  
She nodded and realized there were tears in her eyes as she watched walk away back to his car.  
  
Later, when she re-played the whole exchange in her mind, the look in his eyes as he left hunted her. She somehow realized that she just lost something very valuable.   
  
*  
  
  
  
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me  
  
Like 'Will it rain today?'  
  
Waste the hours with talking, talking  
  
These twisted game we play  
  
*  
  
She left her dad still sleeping it off in her bed and went to work early - she figured it would spare her from being there when he would wake up.  
  
They had a scene to process - a drunk driver hit a little girl on her way to school and drove off, only to hit into a stop sign two blocks later. It was pretty much an open and shut case.  
  
But since it was so early in the morning and not all of the team members had already arrived at the lab, Horatio paired up the only two CSI's that seemed to be in the building.  
  
Her and Erik.  
  
He was making a real effort, she decided as they were making their way back - she had to give him that much. Making idle conversation, telling bad jokes, stretching silences way beyond the comfortable level - anything but asking the question that she knew was burning a hole in his brain.  
  
"How's your father?"   
  
She was dreading the questions so much and expecting it for so long that it caught her totally by surprise when it finally came. The irony of it actually made her chuckle, soon enough the chuckle became a full out laughter.  
  
He looked at her as if she was insane and she forced herself to calm down and explain it to him. When she did he let out a chuckle as well "well if I'd known you were expecting the question I would have asked it a lot sooner"  
  
She laughed again.  
  
It was so good to laugh again - it felt like she hadn't done it in such a long time "He's ok I guess, I don't really know. I kind of snuck out of the house before he woke up this morning"  
  
"You're afraid to face him?"   
  
"You sound surprised"  
  
"It's just...." He hesitated for a moment, glancing at her sideways without taking his eyes off the road "I've never known you to be afraid of anything"  
  
The rest of the way back to CSI passed silently  
  
*  
  
We're strange allies  
  
With warring hearts  
  
What wild-eyed beast you be  
  
*  
  
She took a long lunch break and dropped by her apartment. Erik's words echoed in her head but a part of her kept wishing that her father would be gone by the time she got there.  
  
No such luck  
  
She walked down the hall to her apartment and could make out the sounds of music coming out of her place. She opened the door and found her father in a bathrobe in the kitchen, cooking as he danced to the music, an open bottle of bear on the counter next to him.  
  
"Hey there sweetie!" he greeted cheerfully "You're home early"  
  
"I'm on my lunch break daddy"  
  
"You work too hard pumpkin, a pretty girl like you shouldn't be working at all you know.."  
  
"Dad, please don't start" she sighed "Don't you think it's a little early for a beer?"  
  
"I was just a little thirsty sweetie, don't worry your pretty little head about it" he blew her off, still in that same cheerful tone that made her want to strangle him.  
  
"I do worry Daddy" she said softly. Whether he was pretending not to hear her or he didn't really hear her - he didn't respond. He just kept dancing in the kitchen in the bathrobe - taking swigs off his beer.  
  
*  
  
The Space Between  
  
The wicked lies we tell  
  
And hope to keep us safe from the pain  
  
Will I hold you again?  
  
*  
  
She ate lunch with him and said nothing.  
  
She waited while he dressed and said nothing.  
  
She drove him home and said nothing.  
  
She kissed him goodbye and said nothing.  
  
She drove back to work and parked her car, when she was sure she was alone she screamed, she yelled, she cursed and cried. She told the empty space in her car everything and anything she ever wanted to tell her father. She swore to herself she won't do it the next time, she won't go, she won't pick him up...  
  
When she calmed down she checked herself in the mirror and the only thing she could think of was that she was staring at the reflection of a total liar.  
  
*  
  
Look at us spinning out in  
  
The madness of a roller coaster  
  
You know you went off like a devil  
  
In a church in the middle of a crowded room  
  
All we can do, my love  
  
Is hope we don't take this ship down  
  
*  
  
The next week was quiet, dinners with John, mornings in the lab with Erik, for a few days she felt like it had all been a bad dream. As if her life were getting back to normal again.  
  
But there were cracks everywhere she looked.  
  
Erik was too quiet sometimes, John had a question in his eyes all the time, he looked as if he was constantly holding his breath - waiting for something that never came.  
  
In a sense - so was she.  
  
*  
  
The Space Between  
  
Where you're smiling high  
  
Is where you'll find me if I get to go  
  
The Space Between  
  
The bullets in our firefight  
  
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you  
  
*  
  
she ended up being true to her word with out even knowing it. Later she wondered how ironic life became and when it became that way without her noticing.  
  
She was out on a case and her phone was off, so she wasn't able to take the call when if finally came. Her father had been in a bar again, getting drunk, and this time she wasn't there to pick him up when the bartender made the usual call.   
  
So he kept on getting even drunker, and just like always when he got really really drunk - he began to be nasty. Pretty soon he was picking up fights with the other visitors in the bar.  
  
When the word exchange turned into a fist fight the police was called in and he got arrested.  
  
She finally got a call about an hour later - this time from John...  
  
"Hey Calleigh, we have a man in custody here, it's your dad Call' you better get down here"  
  
*  
  
The rain that falls  
  
Splash in your heart  
  
Ran like sadness down the window into...  
  
The Space Between  
  
Our wicked lies  
  
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain  
  
*  
  
John was waiting for her in front of the police station when she screeched into a halt in her hummer. She joined him on the sidewalk and noticed that he was refusing to make eye contact with her - instead he was carefully examining his shoes.  
  
"you weren't surprised when I called" he said softly "I'm a pretty good detective so I'm going to take a guess here and say that this has happened before"  
  
Now it was her turn to look down and avoid eye contact   
  
"You could have told me Call' " there was so much pain and disappointment "You could have trusted me enough to tell me that"  
  
"I'm sorry..." she started but he waved his hand to cut her off  
  
"Don't!" he said simply "You should go get your father"  
  
*  
  
  
  
Take my hand  
  
'Cause we're walking out of here  
  
Oh, right out of here  
  
Love is all we need here  
  
The Space Between  
  
What's wrong and right  
  
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you  
  
The Space Between  
  
Your heart and mine  
  
Is the space we'll fill with time  
  
The Space Between... 


	8. You do what you have to do

Well - here is the next part, the truth is I really don't know where I'm going with this story or how it's going to end I just listen to the songs you see here while I write and just write what ever comes up... so bear with me here - hopefully we're all going to figure out where this is going soon enough.  
  
The song this time is "You do what you have to do" by Sarah Mclachlan  
  
*  
  
What ravages of spirit  
  
conjured this temptuous rage  
  
created you a monster  
  
broken by the rules of love  
  
*  
  
She never remembered being more humiliated in her whole life. Walking down those corridors, looking t the faces of people she worked with every day, to the cell where her father was held with all the other drunks that had been picked up that night.  
  
"Sweetie! I knew you'd come get me" he greeted happily as he saw her, obviously still intoxicated "I swear to you honey, this isn't the way it looks!"  
  
"It never is daddy" she sighed, mumbling under her breath.  
  
She paid the fine and got him out.  
  
She wasn't surprised to find that John was not there when she got out.   
  
*  
  
and fate has lead you through it  
  
you do what you have to do  
  
and fate has led you through it  
  
you do what you have to do ...  
  
*  
  
She couldn't take it anymore - his cheerful talking, his jokes, the way he kept asking her if she had anything stronger to drink...  
  
She waited until he passed out and snuck out of the apartment, making sure to lock the door behind her.  
  
Getting into her car she drove off, she drove in a daze, hardly even realizing where she was going until she got there.  
  
Without thinking, partly because she knew that if she were to think about it she wouldn't do it, she got out and walked up to the house, knocking softly on the door.  
  
"Calleigh?" he was in a pair of sweatpants and a white sleeveless shirt. His hair was tossed - looking like he just got out of bed. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"John...."  
  
*  
  
and I have the sense to recognize that  
  
I don't know how to let you go  
  
*  
  
She didn't say much after that, she didn't know what to say. He showed her in and made some coffee, all the while an uncomfortable silence between them. When he sat down beside her on the couch, she still didn't know what to say.  
  
The truth was - she didn't really feel like talking.  
  
*  
  
every moment marked  
  
with apparitions of your soul  
  
I'm ever swiftly moving  
  
trying to escape this desire  
  
*  
  
She leaned in and kissed him. For a moment he surrendered to her, kissing her back, running his hands over her body... but a moment later he placed his hands on her shoulders and pushed her away, getting up from the couch angrily.  
  
"Is this what you came her for Calleigh? A little roll in the hay and everything will be alright?" he hissed at her angrily.  
  
"No..." she said weakly "John, that's not..."  
  
"You can't keep doing this Calleigh, you can't shut me out and then come here and...why did you come here Calleigh?"  
  
"I wanted to be with you" she couldn't think of anything better to say, even though she knew this was a lousy excuse for her visit  
  
"Be with me?" he let out an evil chuckle "How can you be with me Calleigh? You were never WITH me! you can't it all to be on your terms, you want me in your bed but not in your life..."  
  
"I want you in my life John" she didn't notice that tears were starting to stream down her face  
  
"You didn't come here to let me into your life Call, you came here so I can make you forget about everything else for a few minutes while we fuck!" his choice of words hit her like a sting "You think I'm stupid? You think I don't know what's going on? You want me to just take you to the bedroom right now? Make all your problems go away?" he said bitterly "Let's go! Why not? Is that what you want from me?"  
  
Without another word she grabbed her keys and ran to the door, she wrenched it open but he grabbed her arm, slamming the door shut with his other and pinning her against the door "Don't do this Calleigh, don't run out of here. Talk to me, let me in!"  
  
His tone was pleading, his hands were cupping her face, forcing her to look straight into his eyes.  
  
She closed her eyes and inhaled, savoring his scent, then wrenched herself free from his grasp and forced the door open - running into the dark night.  
  
*  
  
the yearning to be near you  
  
I do what I have to do  
  
the yearning to be near you  
  
I do what I have to do  
  
*  
  
The cool air hit her when she was outside. The tears made her vision blurry but she could still see John's figure in the doorway. She wished she could have gone back, back into the house and to him.  
  
Instead she walked back to her car and drove off again  
  
*  
  
but I have the sense to recognize  
  
that I don't know how to let you go  
  
I don't know how to let you go  
  
*  
  
She was driving again, again in a daze, again not knowing where she was headed until she got there. She walked out of the car and knocked on the door. Waiting for it to be opened.  
  
He was in his boxers and T-shirt when he opened the door. One look at her and he simply cleared the way for her to enter, leading her to the couch.  
  
"Erik..." she tried to explain but he hushed her.  
  
He pushed her down so she was lying on the couch and then squeezed in and laid next to her, placing his arms around her and pulling a blanket over them both.  
  
*  
  
a glowing ember  
  
burning hot burning slow  
  
deep within I'm shaken by the violence  
  
of existing for only you  
  
*  
  
He knew she wasn't asleep, but she was keeping silent and he couldn't bring himself to ask her what had happened. He knew the back story - he could make out the details with out her help.  
  
He didn't know why she came to him, or what made her cry this time. But his presence seemed to be helping, and her sobs subsided after a while, when he made a move to leave, thinking she might want to be left alone - she grabbed his arms and looked at him pleadingly.  
  
He laid back and pulled her even tighter into his arms, staying with her for as long as she would need.  
  
*  
  
I know I can't be with you  
  
I do what I have to do  
  
I know I can't be with you  
  
I do what I have to do  
  
*  
  
Erik's arms around her gave her comfort. Her crave for human contact was somehow satisfied by the feel of his body beside her on the couch.   
  
*  
  
and I have sense to recognize but  
  
I don't know how to let you go  
  
*  
  
John was lying awake in his bed, the vision of her face right before she ran out haunting him and driving away the sleep...  
  
*  
  
I don't know how to let you go  
  
*  
  
Erik listened to Calleigh's breathing, waiting for them to become even, waiting for her to fall asleep...  
  
*  
  
I don't know how to let you go  
  
*  
  
Calleigh's mind raced from her father to John, to Erik... she wasn't going to sleep tonight. 


	9. Hanging by a moment

Ok, I hope there is still someone out there following this - is anyone tiered of the songfic thing? Should I just drop the songs bit and go on with the story regularly? I like the songs and I think the add to the story but I know that a lot of people actually hate song fics so tell me what you think...  
  
The song this time is "Hanging by a moment" by lifehouse  
  
And If anyone has any suggestions for a song - let me know, cause I'm starting to run out of ideas for lyrics - I only have one suggestion so far (thank you Yaba by the way) and I'm working on it for one of the next chapters - so if you have any ideas let me know!!!  
  
*  
  
Desperate for changing   
  
Starving for truth   
  
I'm closer to where I started   
  
Chasing after you   
  
*  
  
They seemed to be going through the motions that morning, getting up, eating breakfast, going to work - all the time carefully avoiding making any sort of eye contact or conversation. He didn't want to force her to explain what happened last night and she didn't seem eager to provide him with an explanation.  
  
At work he kept passing by her lab, peeking inside, trying not to crowd her but still wanting her to talk to him, wanting to be there when she finally felt like she could talk to him.  
  
But Erik soon realized that that moment wasn't coming.  
  
In fact - it seemed like she was going out of her way to avoid him.  
  
When they sat together at the morning staff meeting she placed herself at a chair as far away from him as possible, even when she was talking to him about a case she made sure to look at anyone else but him.  
  
By evening he was starting to feel something he never thought he would feel towards Calleigh - he actually began to get angry.  
  
*  
  
I'm falling even more in love with you   
  
Letting go of all I've held onto   
  
I'm standing here until you make me move   
  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you   
  
*  
  
He made his way to his apartment at the end of the day, all the while thinking about the night before.   
  
Why had she come to him? If she didn't want to talk to him about what was going on why did she appear at his apartment in the middle of the night? What was she crying last night? And what was John's part in all this?  
  
His heart and mind were spinning in ten different directions - on one hand he couldn't forget the way her body felt as it was pressed against his on the couch. How right it seemed to have his arms around her, to hold her.  
  
On the other hand he couldn't help to feel a little bit used - was that all she wanted from his? A warm body? Someone to hold her and not ask any questions?  
  
As he reached his front door he suddenly realized that she was sitting on his doorstep.  
  
*  
  
Forgetting all I'm lacking   
  
Completely incomplete   
  
I'll take your invitation   
  
You take all of me now...   
  
*  
  
Just like he did the night before he let her in without saying a word, but somehow she could fell that something was different - she knew that it wasn't going to be like last night. Tonight there would be questions, tonight she would have to explain - but for some reason the possibility of having to explain everything to him didn't mortify her the way it had with John.  
  
"I wanted to thank you" she started, her voice cracking a bit. God she hated being so weak. "About last night, you were really there for me and I appreciate it"  
  
"Well that's what friends are for, right?" he tried to sound nonchalant, to hid how much it pained him to say these words  
  
She smiled and sat down, telling him everything. About her dad getting arrested, about John finding out, about what John said when she went to his house. He sat down and listened quietly, not daring to break the flow of her speech, afraid that if he cut her off she would stop talking. His heart skipped a beat when she told him about John feeling that she was using him - a thought that passed through his own mind several minutes before.  
  
"The horrible thing" she finished, tears forming in her eyes "Is that I think on some level he was right. I don't let people in, I don't allow people to help me. I was using him in a way - I wasn't telling him anything and..."  
  
"And what?"  
  
"And I needed it" she sighed "I wanted to sleep with him because it made me feel again, it gave me one feeling I could control, one feeling that I knew was right"  
  
He knew that what he was going to say next was going to cause him a lot of pain. For a moment he could almost picture the devil and the angel inside him arguing about it. But this was Calleigh, and no matter what he felt for her, she was his friend first - he owed her the truth.  
  
"There's only one thing I can think of Callegih" he finally told her "And that is that I'm not the one who needs to hear this"  
  
*  
  
I'm falling even more in love with you   
  
Letting go of all I've held onto   
  
I'm standing here until you make me move   
  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you   
  
*  
  
She stayed for a few more hours after that. They took out a few beers and talked, sitting on the couch with her feet on his lap like they had done a hundred times before. She had to admit she was doing most of the talking. She felt so comfortable with him - she told him about how sick she was of taking care of her father, and how she had no idea what to do with him, or how to deal with him.  
  
By the time she was ready to leave, she was feeling more relaxed than she had been in days.  
  
"You have to start letting people in" Erik told her right before she was ready to go "And I'm not talking just about John. You're not alone Call' - you have me and Speed and Horatio and Alexx. You need to start talking to someone"  
  
"I thought I just did" she teased and he blushed slightly.  
  
*  
  
I'm living for the only thing I know   
  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go   
  
And I don't know what I'm diving into   
  
Just hanging by a moment here with you   
  
*  
  
The next day she marched into the police station right to John's desk, the closer she got the more she could feel her courage slipping away.  
  
But she wouldn't turn back - no matter what the consequences - she had to do this.  
  
It was time to stop running.  
  
*  
  
There's nothing else to lose   
  
There's nothing else to find   
  
There's nothing in the world   
  
That can change my mind   
  
There is nothing else   
  
There is nothing else   
  
There is nothing else   
  
*  
  
They walked outside and got some coffee, walking along in the bright sunny morning.   
  
"I never meant to use you John" She said after telling him all there was to know about the situation with her father "I hope you realize that. I just needed to feel, and when we had sex that first night - that was the first time I felt something clear and non confusing in a long time. Being with you, sleeping with you, was something that I could control"  
  
"you can't control me Calleigh" some anger was still evident in his voice   
  
"I know that" she sighed "and I'm sorry I did this..."  
  
There was a few moments of silence before he asked quietly "What happens now?"  
  
She looked at him sadly for a moment before replying "I don't know"  
  
*  
  
Desperate for changing   
  
Starving for truth   
  
I'm closer to where I started   
  
Chasing after you....   
  
*  
  
Erik watched her closely when she came into the lad later that day. He knew she went over to talk to John and he was wondering how it went.   
  
A part of him wanted it to go well, but the other part of him wanted it to go horribly wrong.  
  
That realization hit him hard! - was he actually hoping something bad would happen to her? Was he actually hoping for something that would cause her pain?  
  
He went back to his lab and tried to lay low - avoiding everybody as much as he could.   
  
It took him a few hours to sort his thoughts, to realize that Speed was wrong - it was over.  
  
There was nothing he could do anymore - John was the boyfriend, he was the friend. It was time to step back and be there for her as a friend and nothing more. He had to let her go.  
  
*  
  
I'm falling even more in love with you   
  
Letting go of all I've held onto   
  
I'm standing here until you make me move   
  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you   
  
I'm living for the only thing I know   
  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go   
  
And I don't know what I'm diving into   
  
Just hanging by a moment here with you   
  
* 


	10. Ghost of you and me

Hey everyone, sorry it took a long time to update but I've been away on a little vacation! Which is the reason why all my storied haven't been updated in a while..  
  
Anyway, the song this time is "Ghost of you and me" by BBmak, it's not exactly the kind of music I usually listen to but the lyrics are really fitting here and somehow this song stuck with me.  
  
Send me your reviews!!! I love hearing from you.  
  
*  
  
What am I supposed to do  
  
With all these blues  
  
Haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do  
  
*  
  
Calleigh woke up and rolled over, John was lying with his back to her, still sleeping. She slid in bed and hugged him from behind, pressing her body against his bare back.  
  
He was waiting for her last night when she got off work, leaning against her car in the parking lot.  
  
"I miss you"  
  
He didn't say anything after that, he didn't have to. She handed him her car keys and he drove them to his house in silence. They didn't have sex that night, they simply climbed into bed and went to sleep. Somehow the feel of his strong arms around her, the touch of his skin, made her feel comfortable. She didn't even realize how much she missed him before.  
  
She finally climbed out of bed and made herself some coffee, walking out to the back yard to drink it. She sat down and let the bright morning sun wash over her, warming her up.  
  
But now that she was out of bed and away from John's embrace her troubles flooded her again and this time it wasn't just her father that was troubling her - there was something else.  
  
There was Erik.  
  
*  
  
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow  
  
I cant let go  
  
When will this night be over  
  
*  
  
When he got home last night there was another message from her, just like the two nights before. He wasn't answering, he wasn't returning the calls - he was staying true to his decision and staying away from her.  
  
He was trying to keep everything normal at work, still joking around, still exchanging the usual banter. But he was doing his best to avoid any chance of being alone with her - he took cases that paired him up with either Speed or Horatio, made sure to take assignments that would place him in the lab as far away from her gun lab as possible.  
  
She noticed something was wrong - she must have, otherwise she wouldn't be calling him everyday.  
  
He took a shower and went to bed.  
  
*  
  
I didn't mean to fall in love with you  
  
And baby there's a name for what you put me through  
  
It isn't love, it's robbery  
  
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me  
  
*  
  
John got up without Calleigh in bed, for a minute he was afraid she changed her mind about everything and went home, but then he heard her moving around in the back yard.  
  
He got up and got dressed, joining her with his own cup of coffee.  
  
"We should talk" he told her as soon as he sat next to her  
  
"About us?"  
  
"That's part of it, but I was talking about your dad Call'" he told her as gently as he could "You can't keep going like this, you need to do something"  
  
She didn't say anything so he kept going "It's up to you but you have possibilities, rehab, treatments, but you're the one who's going to have to make the first step - he's not going to do it himself"  
  
"What do you want me to do? Drag him kicking and screaming? He's a grown man John, I can't tell him what to do" She shrugged, not meeting his eyes  
  
"That's not true and you know it Call', you can say something, you have to say something"  
  
"John, please can we just not talk about it?"  
  
"Ok" he gave up "We don't have to talk about it, just promise me you'll think about it ok?"  
  
*  
  
Seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by  
  
Phantom ships, lost at sea  
  
And one of them is mine  
  
*  
  
It's been a month, a whole month. He's watched them from a far, leaving together at the end of the day, going out for lunch, arriving at work together. It was torture - slow and painful death.  
  
The worst of it was the way Calleigh kept looking at him - that quizzical, worried look she kept throwing his way. Like she was trying to figure him out.  
  
The painful thing about that was that she used to have no trouble figuring him out - it used to be like second nature to all of them - knowing what the others were thinking, knowing each other's moods. And now, they were so far apart that for the first time in years she couldn't so that - couldn't figure him out.  
  
One evening she left in a haste again - this time asking Speed to cover for her. When John came by a few hours later asking for her he realized there was only one place Calleigh would disappear to without telling John - it must be her father again  
  
When she didn't come back a few hours later he knew his suspicions were true. She was out dragging him from some bar again.  
  
"It's not your problem anymore Delko" he kept telling himself "She has a boyfriend, if she needs any help he's the one she'll go to"  
  
*  
  
Raising my glass, I sing a toast to the midnight sky  
  
I wonder why  
  
The stars don't seem to guide me  
  
*  
  
She brought him back to her apartment again, she probably got there to fast this time, because he wasn't as docile as he was the other times. Probably because he hadn't had a chance to drink as much - he was fighting her all the way out of the bar and screaming at her all the way home.  
  
"You're going to lock me up here again?" he spat when she finally got him through the door. "leave me here while you go back to your important job?"  
  
"I'm not going back to work tonight dad"  
  
"They finally gave you a day off? Let me guess, they let you go so you can take care of your poor old father?" e asked sarcastically "Playing the hero for all those nice people at work are you?"  
  
"No dad."  
  
"Why not? You always did like to show off, show people how smart you were, how enlightened you were - even back in high school."  
  
"Dad, please, let's not bring that up again."  
  
"You like to shame me don't you? Show everyone how much better you are then your old man?" he was screaming at her by now "I should have taught you some humility when I had the chance, put you across my knee and give you a serious woopin'"  
  
"You tried dad, trust me you tried!"  
  
"So now I'm also a bad father am I?" he spat at her "Well that's one thing you can't claim to do better then me! Look at you! A grown woman, not married, no kids, you don't know the first thing about being a parent! And why should you? You women today think that having a job is somehow going to make you important, going to make you better! You don't have a clue! You're nothing little girl, nothing! And no 'oh so important' job is going to change that!"  
  
She stood there for a minute and looked at him, shocked. He was smirking, like he actually just won some prize. Finally she just turned around and took off, not even bothering to lock the door behind her this time - if he wanted out, let him go, she couldn't care less.  
  
*  
  
I didn't mean to fall in love with you  
  
And baby there's a name for what you put me through  
  
It isn't love, it's robbery  
  
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me  
  
*  
  
He opened the door and found her there, sitting crossed legged on the floor, her face buried in the palms of her hands. She's been crying.  
  
"Call? What are you doing here?" he kneeled next her "Call', talk to me! Is everything ok?"  
  
"No, nothing is ok!" she was suddenly on her feet again, her face red with anger "You want me to talk to you? All of the sudden you want to talk? Where were you the last couple of weeks huh? Where were you?"  
  
"Calleigh what's wrong?"  
  
"Everything is wrong! Everything! My dad is an old mean sonofabitch but he's drunk. You're my best friend - what's your excuse?"  
  
*  
  
The ghost of you and me  
  
When will it set me free  
  
*  
  
Erik stood in front of her dumb struck, not knowing what to say. In the end he simply shrugged and turned away from her. "You're upset, you should just go home"  
  
"That's all you have to say?" she was burning with anger now. She walked up to him and grabbed him by the shoulders, spinning him to face her "Look at me Erik, look at me!"  
  
With out thinking he grabbed her back pinning her against the wall "I can't!" he screamed "I can't look at you ok?"  
  
She was so close, he could feel her body against him. Something inside him just snapped and he couldn't hold back anymore - he simply leaned in and kissed her.  
  
*  
  
I hear the voices call  
  
Following footsteps down the hall  
  
Trying to save what's left of my heart and soul  
  
*  
  
Later when she thought about that moment she couldn't remember if she kissed him back or not. It all happened so fast.  
  
He let go of her after only a few seconds, moving back to lean against the opposite wall, breathing hard.  
  
She didn't know what to say, what to think.  
  
Instead she just ran.  
  
*  
  
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow  
  
I can't let go  
  
When will this night be over  
  
I didn't mean to fall in love with you  
  
And baby there's a name for what you put me through  
  
It isn't love, it's robbery  
  
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me 


	11. Something that you said

The song this time is "Something that you said" by the Bangles - which has been stuck in my brain for the past 2 weeks now..  
  
God I hope to get rid of it some day! - it's a great song don't get me wrong - but my friends are starting to look at me funny because I keep singing and humming it all the time.  
  
Oh, and about the story - I think 2 or three more chapters are going to do it. it's very close to ending so hang in there.  
  
Love BlackRaven  
  
*  
  
Everything in a moment starting where  
  
Something you said is hanging in the air  
  
*  
  
She couldn't believe it really happened. She thought about it over and over again, running it in her head repeatedly. Erik actually kissed her. The weekend was pure agony - she couldn't bring herself to think of anything else other than that kiss. She wanted to talk to someone, but usually when she needed to talk to someone she would go to Erik and now that option was out of the question. John was out of the question as well since she didn't think he would react nicely to the news of another man kissing her - especially since she wasn't sure that at some point she wasn't actually kissing Erik back.  
  
*  
  
Now I know my life is sweetening  
  
Changing everything  
  
*  
  
"It would change everything"  
  
"Yeah it probably will"  
  
"You're not helping here" She sighed and Speed smiled slightly, handing her a beer.  
  
She didn't really know what she was expecting him to say, but after almost an entire weekend of obsessing she picked up the phone and called him over. She told him everything in a nutshell, about her father, about John and Erik, about the kiss.  
  
"Call', What do you want me to say? That you'll appear at work tomorrow and it will be like nothing happened? He kissed you and you ran away, there's bound to be consequences" he sighed "but you wanna know what I've noticed you weren't talking about?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You didn't tell me how you feel Call' " he said gently "I mean, Erik has been in love with you forever, which I think is pretty obvious now - that much we know. The only question is how do you feel about him?"  
  
*  
  
Something that you said  
  
Turned me from the inside out  
  
Running through my head  
  
Something I have dreamed about  
  
*  
  
"I ran away Speed, I think that about covers it" she was facing the window, for some reason she couldn't look at him while having this particular conversation  
  
"No, not really" he insisted "Calleigh look at me!"  
  
Reluctantly she turned around and looked at him "I'm with John, Speed, remember? I'm with John and it's going well, and I like it. He's good to me and he's there for me and I feel." she hesitated for a second "I feel safe with him"  
  
"safe isn't in love Call' " Speed pointed out in a hushed tone "Calleigh look me in the eye and tell me one thing - tell me you're totally in love with John, tell me you have no feelings for Erik what so ever - tell me that and this discussion will be over right now!"  
  
*  
  
And I feel so real  
  
And it feels so right  
  
*  
  
That night she lay in bed next to John and didn't sleep. Now not only was the kiss re-playing in her head over and over again but it was now accompanied with the soundtrack of he conversation with Speed.  
  
She turned around and studied John's face in the semi-darkness, gently running her fingers over his strong features. She wasn't sure of anything anymore. Here she was, in bed, with a great man who loved her and wanted her, and all she could think about was one of her co-workers.  
  
What the hell was wrong with her?  
  
*  
  
Showing you every weakness  
  
And feeling strong for it  
  
I used to run from real love  
  
Now I long for it  
  
*  
  
There was something off about her that day, he could see it just by looking at her. First - it actually seemed like she wasn't that eager to go to work that morning - something that has never happened before. The second hint came to him when he watched her work a crime scene later that day. It was weird - she and Erik were working side by side, but there was no banter, no joking, they weren't even discussing the scene - something definitely seemed out of sync.  
  
It was like they were taking tremendous effort not to come into any contact with each other, avoiding eye contact, working on opposite sides of the room. When they accidentally reached into the kit at the same time and their hands touched, they reacted like they have been bit by a snake.  
  
*  
  
Now I know what I've been missing  
  
Since I've been listening  
  
*  
  
Hagen didn't even need to be a detective to know that something was going on.  
  
*  
  
Something that you said  
  
Turned me from the inside out  
  
Lying in my bed  
  
Whispering your name out loud  
  
*  
  
She decided to spend the night at her apartment alone - figuring she needed time to think and also because it felt kind of immoral to spend another night with John when she was so unsure about their relationship.  
  
She spent the evening cleaning out her gun - something that always made her feel more relaxed (go figure!) - but tonight it wasn't really doing the trick.  
  
She was actually relieved when there was a knock on the door, but after peaking through the peep hole - she wished to be anywhere but there.  
  
She leaned her back against the door and closed her eyes.  
  
she thought to herself   
  
"Calleigh! Open the door! I know you're there!"  
  
With a sigh she opened the door and let Erik in.  
  
*  
  
And I feel so real  
  
And I feel so right  
  
Something that you said  
  
Got through to me tonight  
  
Never so far you can't call me back  
  
I'm never more that a single kiss - away  
  
*  
  
"So now we're at a point where you pretend you're not even home?" he said bitterly  
  
"Erik.." she tried to make some excuse, but he cut her off.  
  
"Look, I came here to say that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you like that, I'm sorry."  
  
"Erik, you don't."  
  
"Just let me finish" he cut her off again "I know you're with John now and I shouldn't have tried to mess with that, and the last thing I wanted was to ruin our friendship. So I'm sorry, It'll never happen again"  
  
He walked past her and opened the door "I'm glad that you're happy with John.but I just wanted you to know that I'll always be here.I'll always be waiting."  
  
*  
  
And I feel so real  
  
And it feels so right  
  
Something that you said  
  
Turned me from the inside out  
  
Running through my head  
  
Something I had dreamed about  
  
And I feel so real  
  
And it feels so right  
  
Something that you said  
  
Turned me from the inside out  
  
Lying in my bed  
  
Whispering your name out loud  
  
And I feel so real  
  
And it feels so right  
  
Something that you said 


	12. Bring me to life

Hey Everyone - the song this time is of course Evanescence "Bring e to life" which has now become one of y favorite songs - if you haven't heard it already (because for some reason you have not been on earth the last couple of months) - download it and hear it! NOW!  
  
PART 12  
  
*  
  
How can you see into my eyes, like open doors  
  
Leading you down into my core  
  
Where I've become so numb  
  
*  
  
He watched her in the kitchen, she was making dinner, along with some music, dancing while she worked. If he didn't know any better - he'd say she looked happy. but he knew better.  
  
"Call..."  
  
"Dinner will be ready in a bit"  
  
"Great." He sighed and tried again "Listen..."  
  
"I'm not much of a cook so don't expect much, but I think I managed to make something eatable."  
  
"Calliegh we need to talk..."  
  
"Talk away, John, I'm listening..."  
  
"It's about Erik..."  
  
He thought he noticed a stiffness going through her body but she kept going as if nothing happened. Finally he grabbed her and turned her away from the cooking  
  
"Dinner is going to get burned..." he voice sounded weak  
  
"I think we should talk about this..."  
  
*  
  
Without a soul  
  
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold  
  
Until you find it here and lead it back home  
  
*  
  
For two people who were supposed to talk they were awfully quiet for a very long time. She started feeling very uncomfortable but she didn't dare even move - she sure wasn't going to be the first one to talk.  
  
No, this was John's show - if he had something to say - he was going to have to say it. She wasn't going to make things easier for him. She knew she was being petty and mean - that he didn't deserve this, but she didn't care.  
  
She expected him to accuse her, to yell at her, to be angry - but when he finally spoke, it threw her totally off her game.  
  
"Are you in love with him?"  
  
*  
  
(wake me up) wake me up inside  
  
(I can't wake up) wake me up inside  
  
(save me) call my name and save me from the dark  
  
*  
  
"Are you in love with him?"  
  
Something about his voice, the way he asked her. It broke down some wall inside her and she knew she couldn't lie to him.  
  
"I don't know.."  
  
*  
  
(wake me up) bid my blood to run  
  
(I can't wake up) before I come undone  
  
(save me) save me from the nothing I've become  
  
*  
  
He got up and started pacing around her  
  
"Hagen..." she wanted to say something, wanted to explain  
  
"You look happy when you're around him you know that?"  
  
"What?" She never expected to hear this fro him  
  
"I look at you a lot, while you work" he had an almost shy smile on his face when he said that, it reminded her why she liked him in the first place "The way you and Erik work together, the way you laugh at his jokes - I couldn't make you laugh like that."  
  
"You make me laugh John." she didn't know who she was trying to convince him - or herself  
  
"Not like that.. not like he does"  
  
*  
  
Frozen inside without your touch without you love darling  
  
Only you are the life among the dead  
  
*  
  
"I'm gonna go..." he finally said  
  
"John, don't... I don't know what you want me to say..."  
  
"You don't have to say anything Call. You needed me, and I'm glad I could be here for you when you did - but you don't need me anymore." He shrugged, but she could hear the slight hint of bitterness in his voice  
  
"John.. Erik is..."  
  
"The one you should be with" he was looking straight into her eyes now "And if you can't see that. then I guess you're just going to have to take my word for it"  
  
His plain words hit her like razor blades, before she even had time to react he was out the door and she was left alone  
  
*  
  
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see  
  
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me  
  
*  
  
Erik woke up to the sound of someone pounding on his door - hard. He made his way to the front door, trying to rub the sleep away from his eyes. The person on the other side of the door was not taking any chances - the pounding was so loud, the whole building must be up by now - he thought to himself - they were nearly breaking down the door.  
  
"how dare you!?"  
  
Calleigh was through the door and in his apartment before he even had time to fully open the door, her face was red and it seemed like she's been crying, but her eyes were filled with anger and rage.  
  
"Call, What the hell..?"  
  
"How dare you go to John and tell him anything about us? I had a good thing Erik! I was finally. Just who the hell do you think you are?"  
  
"Wow, wow. Call, hang on a second" he was really trying to understand what she was saying but it was way to late and he was way too tired "what are you talking about? What did I tell John?"  
  
"I don't know what you told him Erik!" She hissed back "I don't know what you did.. but it worked! It worked! Are you happy now? Did you get what you wanted?"  
  
Suddenly he was angry - angrier then he had been in a long time "Did I get what I wanted? Are you kidding me Calleigh? No! I didn't get what I wanted! I wanted you Call' - do you get that? I'm inlove with you! And I know it's not comfortable for you right now - and believe me I'm sorry! I tried not to be, believe me I tried, but I can't ok? And for you to think that I would go behind your back and do something - anything - to brake up you and John, to do anything that would make you unhappy.."  
  
"I wasn't.." her voice was so quiet he hardly heard her in his rage  
  
"I did my best to stay away, because..wait a minute - what did you say?"  
  
"I wasn't.. happy that is."  
  
*  
  
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems  
  
Got to open my eyes to everything  
  
*  
  
"I wasn't happy Erik, I was comfortable.. I was peaceful, I guess"  
  
"What are you trying to tell me here Call'?"  
  
"John asked me tonight if I was inlove with you.and I couldn't answer him, because I didn't know, but I do know something - I know that I'm not inlove with John, I'm comfortable with him, he makes me feel safe - but that isn't love - or at least I don't think it is....I think this is.."  
  
*  
  
Without a thought without a voice without a soul  
  
Don't let me die here  
  
There must be something more  
  
Bring me to life  
  
*  
  
For one dreadful moment he didn't say anything and for that single long moment she thought maybe she was already too late - maybe he had already moved on - her mind was already searching for excuses to take everything back.  
  
The next thing she knew, he was crossing the short distance between them and then his arms were around her and his lips were on hers.  
  
The kiss was soft at the beginning but soon became more intense, more passionate, years and years of pent up sexual tension finally braking free. Their bodies were pressed tight against each other - and she could feel every inch of her body starting to react to his.  
  
His lips started moving down her neck and she seized the opportunity to say something - but the moment she started uttering words he brought his head back up and looked her straight in the eye "Don't. You don't have to say anything - let's just have right now... this moment...and then the next one, and the next one. You never have to say anything..."  
  
*  
  
(wake me up) wake me up inside  
  
(I can't wake up) wake me up inside  
  
(save me) call my name and save me from the dark  
  
(wake me up) bid my blood to run  
  
(I can't wake up) before I come undone  
  
(save me) save me from the nothing I've become  
  
*  
  
It was dawn when they finally fell asleep, or at least he did. Calleigh lay there , in his arms, and suddenly she realized what John was talking about, what he saw between them.  
  
It was just like he told her - Erik was the one she was supposed to be with. Maybe not forever, maybe not even next week - but right now, for now - this was where she belonged.  
  
* * *  
  
Ok. Well, this is the end of life by a tune - there are just two things I want to say. First - I know it took me a long time to write the ending, and I really hope you like it - I know it came out a little too fluffy, believe me I tried to avoid it as much as I could, I hope it wasn't too much! Second - I know a lot of you hate Hagen, and you were probably hoping I'd either get Calleigh to dump him or turn him into the bad guy - Sorry! But I happen to love Hagen! I think he's cute as hell - and even though he didn't get the girl this time - which you'll have to admit is punishment enough - I couldn't turn him into a villain.. SORRY  
  
Anyway. Hope you like the ending. I'm probably going to right a sequel some time soon but right now I'm trying to finish some of my other stories as well as not get kicked out of the university !!! 


End file.
